It was Saturday morning and I was awakened by his hugs and kisses. As always, I woke up late, as it was 9 o’clock in the morning already. He was up early, did his morning routine and went back to bed just so when I wake up he is next to me. I’ve spent more time in bed with him, morning kiss, big hugs and I finally got up and made him breakfast.
After we ate, we got out of the house to feed our dogs and play with them. That’s when I noticed that I really have to clean our backyard. I’ve been so lazy that I was always telling myself “later” and a week later I still didn’t do it.
While he was playing with our three dogs, one grumpy German Shepherd and two naughty Belgian Shepherd, I started picking up the clutter that they made, swept the dried leaves and that’s when I noticed that the weed overtook our garden.
I remember clearly as it was just yesterday, how beautiful our garden was, full of different kinds of blooming orchids, different colors of roses, and many more lively and beautiful flowers and plants. Just perfectly beautiful and alive. So far from what I am seeing now. Dead plants and green tall weeds, instead of green plants and colorful flowers.
I stopped caring for our garden because our 3 dogs used to jump over the garden fence and eat the flowers, or dig the plants out and kill it. At first, I would always plant them back and try to save them, but it was like every time I do it, dogs will dig it back out again, (grrrr, so wicked)! It made me angry and I just let them dig more and never laid my eyes on our garden again.
Now as I am looking at it and thinking, my garden is like my life, once it was so beautiful, full of happiness, full of life. Relationship with my man wasn’t perfect but we worked on it until we made it perfect for us. Yes, we had our flaws, but we accepted it and learn how to correct them.
When I got pregnant, it made our relationship stronger. It was so beautiful that I couldn’t ask for more. We were perfectly happy. You know when you feel like every day of your life was full of excitement and dreams, talking about the future with your baby? There are days that other people will give you headaches because of their stupidity, but at the end of the day, you both just laugh it off because there’s more to life than that ignorance. It feels like your baby is the cure for all unpleasant things that are trying to break you and ruin your daily life.
Then she was taken. All you can see is failures, stupid things, mistakes. All you feel is pain, grief, and hatred. How can you live after your life was taken from you? How can you see a beautiful future if that future became your ugly past? How can you find meaning in your life again? Would you want to continue living?
6 months ago, my life has ended when our daughter was taken from us without any signs. Can anyone or anything make you prepare for that kind of pain? Every day, I wished I could do something to bring her back. Every night I wished I will never wake up. There is not a day that I wish that it should just be me, and not her. Not a day that I did not blame myself, maybe there is something I could do, or maybe there’s something I didn’t do. I blamed the doctors for not saving her, heck! they did not even have an explanation why it happened to her, they can’t tell me the reason! She was healthy from day one, all her tests and my tests were great. I blamed my OB for not taking her time to check me, that she was always in a hurry when I visited her.
I blamed everyone and everything, but I can’t bring back my child. I can’t bring back the happiness I had. Just like my garden, I blamed our dogs but it won’t bring back my beautiful garden, it won’t bring back the flowers to bloom, it won’t bring the withered plants back to life.
What we need are courage and perseverance. Yes, we can blame everyone but it won’t bring back our lost child to us, instead, we can take small steps to bring back our life. Yes, it won’t be as beautiful as it was in the past but if we just take those steps every day, I know we can make our lives beautiful again. Just like my garden, I won’t be able to bring back how it looked like before, but pulling out the weeds, cleaning and watering it every day, planting new plants and flowers, and make the fence stronger, in no time I can make my garden beautiful again.
This is my message to you. Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming everybody. Make those steps forward, I am not saying it is easy, because it is not, its damn difficult! However, you have to do it. There is no life without difficulty, and there is no garden without weeds. Slowly take off all the heavy baggage in your life, start living again, pull out the ugly weeds, replace the withered plants with new ones. Before you know it, you’re slowly healing. Start fresh, and live your life again.
I’m still in the process of healing, but with the help of my unmarried husband, I’m taking one little step every day toward making our life beautiful again. How about you?
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