Skimming

Danger: Empty Death Caused By Lack Of Depth And Meaning

Skimming.

This word lingered on my mind as I lie in bed enjoying the early morning sun piercing the horizontal spaces between each blind slat. Sun stripes splashing light upon my beige bedroom walls.

Like a flat stone, skipping across still waters. Touch, jump, touch, jump.

Shallow, skipping, scanning.

Finally, a breakthrough to this ‘funk’ I’ve been feeling. For the past several weeks, maybe even a month now, I have felt odd, off, fluttering through the motions, disconnected.

But why?

I’m unsure. Everything in our life seems to be heading in the right direction. We are at the precipice of turning around a difficult year for our family. So why then do I feel unattached?

Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? Life, fate, karma, call it what you want, has a way of building things up and then landing a crushing blow of disappointment. Or am I allowing this ‘other shoe’ to become a deceitful joy robber created of my own intellectual fiction?

I shook my head, it’s not the ‘other shoe’. It’s something else.

Am I rebelling?

Maybe. It could be a rebellion. It feels a little like I am fighting.

Against what? Why?

Possibly not against, but could it be I am fighting for something? Or maybe I’m not fighting at all, but rather I’m in search of.

In search of what?

Depth, connection.

Light bulb (think Despicable Me, Gru moment)

Complexity, profundity, intricacy.

Why and how, tell me more. I want to understand the emotion, the humanness, the true essence behind the action. Map the route of your mortal experience, help me feel your every sensation. Let us be awash, imbibe, undulate together in the ocean of your story.

Nourish, fecundate, and connect by infiltration of the protective, banal, sterile layers. Move past the lukewarm periphery to strike at the molten center of the sacred, deepest truth.

I want to overflow with emotion and get swept up in the stories of others as well as my own. Empathy, compassion, curiosity, let us explore, dive deep into each other.

Too much small talk and generalizations wither. Politics and talk of the weather is empty, opaque.

Let us expand into vivid imaginations of the future, delve into the fears of dying, or better still let us converse on what brings us to life.  Unfathomable caverns of love, terror, ecstasy, and sorrow, these are the worth penetrating the surface tedium.

Open, vulnerable connection with receptive, trustworthy friends… what could possibly bring more joy? More meaning? More humanity?

Call me an introvert, dreamer, romantic, or any of innumerable labels, but I know what it is that fertilizes my soul. It’s diving into the deep emotional end with others, sightseeing behind the enemy lines of our own perceptions, and not stopping until we have exhausted all the possible answers to one simple question- why.

“The secret of a full life is to live and relate to others as if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there tomorrow. It eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of postponement, failed communications, failed communions. This thought has made me more and more attentive to all encounters, meetings, introductions, which might contain the seed of depth that might be carelessly overlooked. This feeling has become a rarity, and rarer every day now that we have reached a hastier and more superficial rhythm, now that we believe we are in touch with a greater amount of people, more people, more countries. This is the illusion which might cheat us of being in touch deeply with the one breathing next to us. The dangerous time when mechanical voices, radios, telephones, take the place of human intimacies, and the concept of being in touch with millions brings a greater and greater poverty in intimacy and human vision.” ~ Anais Nin May 1946

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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